You breathed hope, strength, and acceptance while soaring on the waves of fear and uncertainty, not knowing when that last breath would pass through your lips.
You asked repeatedly, “What will it feel like Angela?” “Will it hurt?” “Will I know it’s happening?” “Will I be scared?” “In the end, will I care?”
I struggled. I felt that I was supposed to have the answers for you. Clearly, you asked me. If I had the answers, then there was no unknown for you to wade through. You would be free to focus on what mattered in each moment, day by day, without the distraction the nagging questions and emotional turmoil brought.
I began to look for those answers for you. I took to a dedicated yoga practice for that 11-month stretch, intuitively knowing that was the course of action needed. I dedicated each practice to supporting you physically, mentally, and emotionally. I breathed with you, for you, and through you daily. Through that dedication, Spirit wove a connection between us, constructing a light bridge that, on August 9, 2013, would transcend space and time.
We spoke daily. Laughing, crying, remembering. We focused on forgiving each other our disputes, ill communication, and hurled demons over the years. We laughed outrageously at our ugly cries over the phone.
I focused on the vibration of your voice. There were days throughout that process Becky, when I would fall to my knees in grief, knowing inevitability a day would come when your voice would be silenced.
I kept focused on keeping you motivated, and supporting you though profound realizations every step of the way. Some days I would cry and demand that the heavens take you immediately to quell the pain. Guilt wracked my soul in those moments of selfish suffering. I prayed for your forgiveness of those unknown transgressions and for clarity. I had to be strong and open for you and the role I would play.
You called in mid-July. That call brought with it the crushing realization that you were ready. You were so strong in embracing your active passing process. You asked me to come, and I flew. We both knew that we had lots of energy work to do together to clear that pathway out of your physical body, through the stars, to be left in the bosom of radiant love’s all-encompassing embrace.
Day and night, I sat with you, holding a safe space while you painted hearts across the sky, becoming familiar with your new boundless freedom. I sang to you, as you would test the security of traveling out of your physical body, to be sure you were really ready to go. I cried in joy with and for you as you became more comfortable with each universal exploration in those passing days.
We came to realize that for you to cross over, I needed to go. I needed to be back in Saskatoon where I could be centered and focused on my task in bridging your soul’s transition without emotional interference. Where you would have the safe familiar environment outside of your home to consciously connect to, leaving behind the confines of grief from those surrounding you.
Our last cranial session before I departed was a brilliant, true gift. You left your body with such ease, allowing me to wash the layers of your being with unconditional love and blue light at your request. You told those present in the room, that you could see the world from above, soaring through the sky on the waves of love with blue light moving through your wings, lifting you home. You kept asking, “Can you see it, Ange?”
I indeed saw the portal of love that you were to pass through when it was time. We found it together. I was overcome with such joy and wonder. What a blessing and honour, to be trusted to deliver you into those loving hands. In that session, we went together so that you would know the way, have no questions, and follow your freedom out of this realm without hesitation.
When the time came for me to depart, you whispered in my ear, “I will call on you August 9. We will both be ready.”
I could not look into your distant fading eyes to say goodbye. I sat behind you holding my heart to your back, hugging you close, Becky. I spoke with the strong clear vibration of your voice from my heart for all in the room to hear. I proclaimed how much I loved you, how I was blessed to have you as an older sister, how I was so proud of you. I acknowledged your dreams, aspirations, and your accomplishments. I thanked you for teaching me the true meaning of compassion and unconditional love as tears of joy streamed down my cheeks landing on your right shoulder. I radiated love out of my entire being through my heart chakra through your frail body, breaking the last bonding energetic threads tying you to this plane of existence. As those threads snapped loose, I sang three times into your right ear, the kundalini yoga mantra ONG NAMO GURU DEV NAMO. Translated this means "I bow before my highest consciousness." I sang and surrounded you with the kundlaini yoga protection mantra of AD GURAY NAMEH, JUGAD GURAY NAMEH, SAT GURAY NAMEH, SIRI GURU DEVAY NAMEH three times, to guide your way home. I walked out the door shaking with strength, never looking back, just as you had asked. I was heading home to my family to await the dawn of August 9.
The house was quiet the evening of August 8. Text messages flew back and forth letting me know of your condition. That night you traveled. You were here in the house. Singing to Tyl and Felyx, petting their heads and backs. I saw you at the foot of my bed.
Felyx woke at 7 a.m. that Friday, crawled into bed with me, and hugging me tight said with big tears in his little eyes, “Aunt Becky will die today mom.” I simply said, “I know my sugar bunny. Today will be a beautiful glorious day to celebrate, for today will be the day Aunt Becky goes home.”
I went to work, feeling a little numb and in transition myself. At 11 that morning, you appeared at my office signaling it was time. I called Matt to bring my yoga mat. I needed to make the noon class.
I arrived at Moksha Yoga and informed the instructor Kevin that you would pass during our class. I asked him to help me stay grounded throughout the process, so that the emotional and physical sensations of your physical passing process would transit through me, your bridge. That was our agreement, to accept and transmute for you. I did not have the answers to your questions, Becky, when you needed them, but I had the means to process your physical death and ensure that you were not scared or alone in the universe in that moment of transition.
The class was intense, and heavy. The energy running from Spirit, connecting us through space and time, was palpable. Through that powerful class, my body and soul transformed into that bridge stretching from Ridgetown, ON, to Saskatoon, SK. I felt your physical, mental, and emotional essence meld into mine. With each posture, stretch, and release through breath, your muscles, tendons, and organs began to relax and release. I felt the last living threads release their hold from your organs through mine. I went into child pose as my diagram began to spasm and twist with terror and my kidneys flush with fear, feeling your lungs stop lifting and falling within my own rib cage as the final beats of your weak heart played in my ears. I screamed out in fear, and Kevin was right at my back to release the diaghram and kidneys.
The spasms subsided and the howling cries of grief mixed with joy sprang from my throat. You were with me now out of my body, free of your own body, Becky. We swirled, danced, and played together joyously heading towards that portal of love through the ribbons of blue light. Time ceased to exist. We hovered at the entrance of the portal. The grief escaping my throat was my reaction to watching you move through that portal to source beyond without me. The joy erupting from my being was centered in the truth that you were home. I left you there in the light and floated back to my physical existence, present on my yoga mat.
I walked out of that class to the phone ringing. It was your daughter Kayla crying, screaming, “Mom is gone, Aunt Angie. She is gone.”
While you found the strength to let go along the bridge in a Saskatoon yoga class, Becky, your best friend Leigh Anne held your hand in Ridgetown, watching as you took in one long deep three part breath, exhaling in one long last fluid motion. Eternal peace was what you found.
Now my journey continues without your loving voice as guidance. I hear you speak from my heart though, and it is still awfully raw to imagine what my journey looks like without you physically by my side.
I continue to use yoga as a tool to connect with you and that great love beyond. Through each practice, we redefine our relationship to one another, bridged by the stars and ribbons of blue light.
SA TA NA MA, birth, life, death, rebirth. The divine spark in me recognizes the divine love you have become.
You asked repeatedly, “What will it feel like Angela?” “Will it hurt?” “Will I know it’s happening?” “Will I be scared?” “In the end, will I care?”
I struggled. I felt that I was supposed to have the answers for you. Clearly, you asked me. If I had the answers, then there was no unknown for you to wade through. You would be free to focus on what mattered in each moment, day by day, without the distraction the nagging questions and emotional turmoil brought.
I began to look for those answers for you. I took to a dedicated yoga practice for that 11-month stretch, intuitively knowing that was the course of action needed. I dedicated each practice to supporting you physically, mentally, and emotionally. I breathed with you, for you, and through you daily. Through that dedication, Spirit wove a connection between us, constructing a light bridge that, on August 9, 2013, would transcend space and time.
We spoke daily. Laughing, crying, remembering. We focused on forgiving each other our disputes, ill communication, and hurled demons over the years. We laughed outrageously at our ugly cries over the phone.
I focused on the vibration of your voice. There were days throughout that process Becky, when I would fall to my knees in grief, knowing inevitability a day would come when your voice would be silenced.
I kept focused on keeping you motivated, and supporting you though profound realizations every step of the way. Some days I would cry and demand that the heavens take you immediately to quell the pain. Guilt wracked my soul in those moments of selfish suffering. I prayed for your forgiveness of those unknown transgressions and for clarity. I had to be strong and open for you and the role I would play.
You called in mid-July. That call brought with it the crushing realization that you were ready. You were so strong in embracing your active passing process. You asked me to come, and I flew. We both knew that we had lots of energy work to do together to clear that pathway out of your physical body, through the stars, to be left in the bosom of radiant love’s all-encompassing embrace.
Day and night, I sat with you, holding a safe space while you painted hearts across the sky, becoming familiar with your new boundless freedom. I sang to you, as you would test the security of traveling out of your physical body, to be sure you were really ready to go. I cried in joy with and for you as you became more comfortable with each universal exploration in those passing days.
We came to realize that for you to cross over, I needed to go. I needed to be back in Saskatoon where I could be centered and focused on my task in bridging your soul’s transition without emotional interference. Where you would have the safe familiar environment outside of your home to consciously connect to, leaving behind the confines of grief from those surrounding you.
Our last cranial session before I departed was a brilliant, true gift. You left your body with such ease, allowing me to wash the layers of your being with unconditional love and blue light at your request. You told those present in the room, that you could see the world from above, soaring through the sky on the waves of love with blue light moving through your wings, lifting you home. You kept asking, “Can you see it, Ange?”
I indeed saw the portal of love that you were to pass through when it was time. We found it together. I was overcome with such joy and wonder. What a blessing and honour, to be trusted to deliver you into those loving hands. In that session, we went together so that you would know the way, have no questions, and follow your freedom out of this realm without hesitation.
When the time came for me to depart, you whispered in my ear, “I will call on you August 9. We will both be ready.”
I could not look into your distant fading eyes to say goodbye. I sat behind you holding my heart to your back, hugging you close, Becky. I spoke with the strong clear vibration of your voice from my heart for all in the room to hear. I proclaimed how much I loved you, how I was blessed to have you as an older sister, how I was so proud of you. I acknowledged your dreams, aspirations, and your accomplishments. I thanked you for teaching me the true meaning of compassion and unconditional love as tears of joy streamed down my cheeks landing on your right shoulder. I radiated love out of my entire being through my heart chakra through your frail body, breaking the last bonding energetic threads tying you to this plane of existence. As those threads snapped loose, I sang three times into your right ear, the kundalini yoga mantra ONG NAMO GURU DEV NAMO. Translated this means "I bow before my highest consciousness." I sang and surrounded you with the kundlaini yoga protection mantra of AD GURAY NAMEH, JUGAD GURAY NAMEH, SAT GURAY NAMEH, SIRI GURU DEVAY NAMEH three times, to guide your way home. I walked out the door shaking with strength, never looking back, just as you had asked. I was heading home to my family to await the dawn of August 9.
The house was quiet the evening of August 8. Text messages flew back and forth letting me know of your condition. That night you traveled. You were here in the house. Singing to Tyl and Felyx, petting their heads and backs. I saw you at the foot of my bed.
Felyx woke at 7 a.m. that Friday, crawled into bed with me, and hugging me tight said with big tears in his little eyes, “Aunt Becky will die today mom.” I simply said, “I know my sugar bunny. Today will be a beautiful glorious day to celebrate, for today will be the day Aunt Becky goes home.”
I went to work, feeling a little numb and in transition myself. At 11 that morning, you appeared at my office signaling it was time. I called Matt to bring my yoga mat. I needed to make the noon class.
I arrived at Moksha Yoga and informed the instructor Kevin that you would pass during our class. I asked him to help me stay grounded throughout the process, so that the emotional and physical sensations of your physical passing process would transit through me, your bridge. That was our agreement, to accept and transmute for you. I did not have the answers to your questions, Becky, when you needed them, but I had the means to process your physical death and ensure that you were not scared or alone in the universe in that moment of transition.
The class was intense, and heavy. The energy running from Spirit, connecting us through space and time, was palpable. Through that powerful class, my body and soul transformed into that bridge stretching from Ridgetown, ON, to Saskatoon, SK. I felt your physical, mental, and emotional essence meld into mine. With each posture, stretch, and release through breath, your muscles, tendons, and organs began to relax and release. I felt the last living threads release their hold from your organs through mine. I went into child pose as my diagram began to spasm and twist with terror and my kidneys flush with fear, feeling your lungs stop lifting and falling within my own rib cage as the final beats of your weak heart played in my ears. I screamed out in fear, and Kevin was right at my back to release the diaghram and kidneys.
The spasms subsided and the howling cries of grief mixed with joy sprang from my throat. You were with me now out of my body, free of your own body, Becky. We swirled, danced, and played together joyously heading towards that portal of love through the ribbons of blue light. Time ceased to exist. We hovered at the entrance of the portal. The grief escaping my throat was my reaction to watching you move through that portal to source beyond without me. The joy erupting from my being was centered in the truth that you were home. I left you there in the light and floated back to my physical existence, present on my yoga mat.
I walked out of that class to the phone ringing. It was your daughter Kayla crying, screaming, “Mom is gone, Aunt Angie. She is gone.”
While you found the strength to let go along the bridge in a Saskatoon yoga class, Becky, your best friend Leigh Anne held your hand in Ridgetown, watching as you took in one long deep three part breath, exhaling in one long last fluid motion. Eternal peace was what you found.
Now my journey continues without your loving voice as guidance. I hear you speak from my heart though, and it is still awfully raw to imagine what my journey looks like without you physically by my side.
I continue to use yoga as a tool to connect with you and that great love beyond. Through each practice, we redefine our relationship to one another, bridged by the stars and ribbons of blue light.
SA TA NA MA, birth, life, death, rebirth. The divine spark in me recognizes the divine love you have become.
Thank you
ReplyDeleteWOW! Powerful!
ReplyDeleteHugs
ReplyDelete