The Gift

I always told myself I would know when the time would come. That I would feel his soul depart in that exact second that he chose. I guess I was not too far off, as I knew two seconds to be exact before the phone rang. The confirmation was seeing my sister “Becky” flashing on my call display.

I took a deep breath in and felt the change in vibration seeping through my lungs as I answered the phone.

“Are you sitting down”? Is always the first question one of my relatives will ask me when they are preparing me for “the news”.

In cutting her off, I simply asked “when”? She responded; “yesterday December 19th I think, one of his friends found him.”

No one had to tell me, although they tried to hide it from me. Why I will never know. Control of information I suppose. For them controlling a perceived dramatic crisis is an adrenaline rush, rewarding, and fulfilling somehow.

I knew though, hovering above the scene in real time as explored and detailed by the authorities. A hollow hole blew out through eternity, beer bottles littering the floor, and Elvis Christmas carols heralding the tragedy of every Christmas drama that ever existed in my childhood memories skipping year after year after year.

He found the courage and made the decisive decision to press the reset button during one of the most powerful transitional times of year; the Winter Solstice. This was not just any Solstice. It was the most powerful equinox in over 500 years with a lunar eclipse marking the gateway shift from dark to light.

Whether consciously or not, he chose the right time for him and I honor that.

Although I never walked a mile in his shoes, I know it must have been unbearable. For my path was at times, and was directly altered by his decisions long ago. I bore the sting of the last thing he every said to me when I was 17 as he left my life; “I was the first to ever have you Angela, you remember that!”

My healing journey was a struggle, but I fought through. I cannot imagine the torture he must have had internally bearing the cross he chose to carry. I can only suppose it was hard getting up most days knowing no matter what he could not forgive himself.

The unfortunate thing is I never got to tell him I forgave him personally. I never got to thank him for being my father. The harsh beautiful reality is that having Malcolm John Moore as my father provided me with the experiences that shaped the strong, forgiving, loving, joyous woman that walks this planet today.

Keeping Moore as my last name even after marriage was something I chose to do to mark the identity I transmuted out of unconditional love.

I remember one of the last conversations I had with Matt before he left for his tour to Brunei December 3rd with his return ear marked for January 17th 2011. We laughed about having a Christmas miracle on Adie Place that would bring him home to surprise the boys and I on Christmas Eve. I remember hugging him goodbye and stating “it will take someone dying to bring you home for Christmas Matt, god forbid that should happen.”

Matt arrived home on the 22nd late in the evening. The morning of the 23rd we headed to Ridgetown for a private visitation with my Father in the funeral home. There I connected with him and thanked him for being a force that contributed to bringing me into this world. I thanked him for providing me with the experiences and upbringing that shaped my incredible character. I thanked him for being the villain in my life’s play that ultimately pushed me down the path of powerful healing and resolution. Lastly, I thanked him for the best most glorious Christmas present of all, Matt being home with our family for Christmas morning.

As my Father and Grandfather to two children he never knew, he gave us the most special gift. He gave my children a wonderful Christmas with their father; which in it’s own unique way made up for every Christmas he destroyed for me as a child.

Thank you Dad. The true gift though is in the change in vibration I feel in the entire world and universe now that you have found your solace in source, you are the light eternal that was transmuted through the gateway in that fateful moment. This change in vibration has set me free, no longer tied to your personal suffering. Free to truly be me in the vast expanse of unlimited possibility.

Dad you do rest in peace among the stars finally and I am proud of you.